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CUPID'S COLUMN 



A FARCE IN ONE ACT 

By 

DOROTHY DONNELL CALHOUN 
Author of 
100 Per Cent American/' ''Parlor Patriots,'* Etc. 



Copyright, 1918, by 
FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

Successor to 

DICK & FITZGERALD 

18 Vesey Street New York 



4" 4" 



^V 



CUPID'S COLUMN 

CHARACTERS 

Mrs. Enright TJie Wife 

Nora The Kitchen Meclianic 

Mr. Enright The Husband 

John J'^f^st the Iceman 

Mrs. Cooms Who does not appear 

Time — To-day. Locality — Pneumonia-on-the-Sound 

Time of Representation — Forty-five minutes. 

COSTUMES 

Mrs. Enright — Street suit and old-fashioned dress. 
Nora — Maid's cap and apron. 
Mr. Enright — Business suit. 

INCIDENTAL PROPERTIES 

Newspapers, water pitcher, drinking glasses, suit-case, 
cigar, ice-tongs, small piece of ice, theatre-program, 
footstool. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS 

As seen by a performer on the stage facing the audi- 
ence, R. means right-hand; l., left-hand; d.c, door cen- 
ter of rear flat; d.l., door at left. Up means toward 
rear of stage; down, toward footlights. 

2 



r • • 



DEC -7 1918 TMP92-008784 
©Ci.D 50811 



CUPID'S COLUMN 



Scene: — A combination dining and living room fur- 
nished with all tJie comforts of home, from the rope 
portieres festooning the d. l. leading to kitchen, to 
the piano of the dollar-down-dollar-ever-after vari- 
ety and the crayonned enlargements of various rela- 
tions which adorn the walls. Through the practical 
window' R., if available, a charming suburban view 
of real estate signs may be seen. Mirror on wall; 
telephone on table. DISCOVERED at rise Mrs. 
Enright, a plump pretty young woman arrayed in 
' street costume, ENTERING d.c. In her hand she 
carries a theatre program. 

Neighborly Voice (ojf stage). Hoo-oo! Hoo-oo! 
You there, Mrs. Enright? 

Mrs. Enright (running to the window). Oh, good- 
aftenioon, Mrs. Cooms! Yes, I just came in this min- 
ute. I've been to the movies — my dear, you positively 
must see ''Love Eternal"! It's Avonderful, simply 
wonder-ful. I cried three handkerchiefs limp, my 
dear! I don't know when I've enjoyed myself so 
much! 

Neighborly Voice. Who's playing in it? 

Mrs. Enright (clasping her hands ecstatically). 
Lionel Lyons! He makes love so divinely! The play 
was about a husband who loved his wife so deeply that 
he 

Neighborly Voice. It must have been grand! And 

3 



4 Cupid's Column 

speaking of husbands reminds me of onions — I called 
over to see if I could borrow one from you. Jack 
simply won't touch corned beef hash without one 
in it. 

Mrs. Enright (in a pundured-tire tone). An — 
onion? I'm sorry, but I don't believe I've one in the 
house. 

Neighborly Voice (resignedly). Well, I'll try Mrs. 
Allen then — (Calls into tlie distance) Hoo-oo! Mrs. 
Allen! 

Mrs. Enright (plaintively). Corned beef hash! Oh, 
dear, somebody's always taking the joy out of life! It's 
only in movies or books that marriage is flavored with 
romance, in real life it's flavored with — onions! (Slie 
siglis deeply as site takes off lier wraps, puts tliem aivay 
and fluffs out lier pretty auburn liair at tlie hig mirror 
at tlie rear wall. Gradually slie waxes sentimental) 
I'm sure there was a time when Henry used to gaze at 
me in that Lionel Lyons ' ' Isn 't-she-Avonderf ul-and-she 's- 
mine" style, but now when he looks at me at all it's to 
see whether my hair's coming down or if I've too much 
powder on my nose ! A man is like those anti-fat reme- 
dies — there's such an awful difference between ''Before 
and After Taking." (Slie catches siglit of tlie telepJione 
and a briglit idea seizes lier. Yery arclily slie goes over 
to it) Barclay 8100. (Slie smiles coyly as slie waits 
for tlie number) Hello! IMay I speak to Mr. Enright, 
please? At a business conference, you say? Oh, but 
tell him his wife must speak to him_, it's very important! 
(Anotlier wait, tlien impatiently) Hullo, Henry! — yes, 
I'm me! No, the house isn't on fire, it's much more 
important than that! (Coquettislily) I just called up 
to ask you if — if — if — yes, dear, 7 am hurrying as fast 
as I can! I can't help it if you liave got two bank 
presidents and a whole board of directors waiting. 
(Tenderly) I called you up to ask you if you still loved 
me as j^ou did when you married me? (Tliis question 
apparently produces an explosion at the other end of 
the line for she jumps perceptibly and puts her lio'"' 
over the 'phone, as she might over someone's mouth. 



Cupid*s Column 5 

Looks shocked. Aside to Jierself) Oooo! Such Imi- 
guage! (Listens cautiously at tlie 'plione) What's 
that you say? You've got an unimportant, insignifi- 
cant little job to hold down, so if I 'm quite through — but 
^ew-ree! (Tearfully) you n-never answered my ques- 
tion! Do you — you know! What I just said? Do you 
1-1-love me? What's that? ''Sure! Course! Bye!" 
Is that all you can say, Henry Enright! (Calling) 
Henry! Hen-ree/ (She hangs up the receiver with a 
pout and turns into the room on the verge of tears) 
And once he spent a whole evening telling me how much 
he admired the color of my eyes! (The door hell rings 
off stage. Jarring steps approach and the Kitchen 
Mechanic, a raiv-honed Celtic person upon whose sharp 
angles the maid's cap and apron depend limply as from 
a hat rack, ENTEES, d.lJ 

The Kitchen Mechanic. I'm thinkin' it's the pa- 
per, Ma'am. (She flings herself headlong into the hall, 
D.c, and returns hearing a paper, and is turning the 
pages so feverishly that she humps into her mistress) 

Mrs. Enright (severely). Nora! What are you do- 
ing? 

Kitchen Mechanic. If you plase, 'm, there's a 
piece in here called Gladys Gusher's Cupid's Column 
that tells what to do whin your gintleman friend takes 
that bold-faced Sadie O'Flatherery to the Fireman's 
Ball. I wrote a letter lasht week signed ''Broken- 
Hearted" and sint it (She shakes her head mournfully ) 
but 'tis not here. (She lays the paper on the tahle and 
EXITS, D.L., wiping her eyes. Mrs. Enright looks at the 
paper curiously and finally reaches for it) 

Mrs. Enright. Cupid's Column — I wonder 

(She glances through the sheets, finally finding it reads 
aloud) "Keeping a Husband's Love, Gladys Gusher's 
Advice to Neglected Wives" — mmm — "If your husband 
seem to have changed from the ardent lover of yester- 
day perhaps you too have changed. Are you the same 
girl he married? Gay and adoring, affectionate, con- 
siderate, coquettish? Do you still wait on him, flirt 
with him, entertain him as you used to do? Try wear- 



6 Cupid's Column 

ing one of the dresses he used to admire. Do your 
hair in the old way. " (Tlie paper slips from Tier fingers. 
She starts up in excitement, clapping lier liands) Of 
course! Why didn't I think of that myself? Isn't it 
lucky I have that picture of myself at the time I was 
engaged. (She climhs on a chair and takes down from 
the ivall right, ivhere it has not been in fidl view of the 
audience a crayon enlargement of a young ivoman in a 
high stiff, cast iron pompadour, tight waist, large 
sleeves and flowing shirt of the early Gibson period. 
She considers this atrocity thoughtfully ) I can man- 
age the hair but the dress (She claps her hands) 

I do believe I've got that very dress in the spare room 
closet! Dear me. It's five o'clock already. If he gets 
the five-four he'll be here directly. I must hurry. 
Nora ! Nora ! 

Kitchen Mechanic (off stage). Yes s'mam! 

Mrs. Enright. I want to have an especially nice 
supper to-night. Make a salad out of that cream 
cheese and celery and set the table carefully! (She 
hurries out, d.c, dragging the picture after her. The 
Kitchen Mechanic appears d.l., ENTERS, and pro- 
ceeds to set the table) 

Loud Voice off Stage. Anny oice today? 

Kitchen Mechanic (calling from her work of setting 
the table). Sure, an' the missus was afthev saying to 
lave a fifty-cent piece! 

The Ice Man (typically Irish as to features, appears 
in the doorway with a pair of enormous tongs clutching 
a tiny piece of ice the size of a brick, which he proudly 
displays) Here ye are! Where '11 I be afther putting 
it — I'm new to this route. 

Kitchen Mechanic (surveying the ice, arms akimbo). 
And phwhat's that ye have there, pray? Thot^s not a 
cake of oice, thot's a sample! 

The Ice Man (cheerfully). Sure an' 'twas foine and 
big whin I cut it but 'tis a hot day — it must have 
melted, but 'tis no matter ! We won 't let it make anny 
coldness between f rinds, eh, Acushla? 

Kitchen Mechanic (scornfully). It's not large 



Cupid's Column 7 

enough to make anny coldness. Sure 'twould hardly 
make iee water for the canary. But put it in the re- 
frigerator in the entry before it disappears entirely. 
(TJie Ice Man EXITS, d.l., leaving the Kitchen Me- 
chanic gazing after Mm admiringly. To Jierself) 
Faith but tis a foine big man ! Tim Murphy himself 
doesn't wear a bigger shoe, and hair you could war-rm 
your hands at, 'tis so red! I wonder now (RE- 
ENTER Ice Man, d.l. J So you're new to the route, ye 
say? 

The Ice Man (meaningly). Yes, but I'm thinking 
I'm going to like it foine. The scenery is so pretty. 
(Looking ardently at lier) 'T would be hard to fioind 
the beat of it in old Ireland itself. 

Kitchen Mechanic (coyly). Go on wid your blar- 
neying! Ye may be a good ice man but you don't cut 
anny ice wid me! (He attempts to kiss Jier, slie slaps 
Ms face and, lie EXITS, d.l., Mowing a kiss hack from 
tlie doorway) 

The Ice Man (going). Sure yez don't need anny ice, 
yez cold-hearted colleen! 

Kitchen Mechanic (tliougM fully). Now I wonder 
if I sh'd write to thot Cupid's Column, it 'twould tell 
me hoAv to win the love av an iceman wid red hair. 
(Site smiles at Iter reflection in tlie mirror, then hear- 
ing her mistress coming she hastily turns to setting of 
the table, singing, or reciting ^' Kitty of Colerane'' ) 
''When she saw him she stumbled, the pitcher it tum- 
bled, 

And all the swate buttermilk watered the plain." 
(She is filling the glasses and holds the water pitcher as 
Mrs. Enright ENTERS, d.c. Her hair encircles her 
face in a huge roll, her gown is that of the picture.' 
The Kitchen Mechanic stares agape, dropping the 
pitcher to the floor with a crash) 

Kitchen Mechanic. The good saints presarve us! 

Mrs. Enright (surveying herself in the mirror). 
''Try wearing a dress he used to admire — wear you hair 
in the old way" — Nora, how do I look? 

Kitchen Mechanic (with dignity). If you plaze, m', 



8 Cupid's Column 

I'm too much of a lady to sa/! (She hacks out, d.l., 
still staining with protruding eyes) 

Mrs. Enright (hurriedly consulting the newspaper). 
"Wait on him! Flirt with him! Entertain him! 
(She glances out of the window) Here he comes now! 
(She hides coyly behind the door as Mr. Enright 
ENTERS, D.c. He is a typical commuter, newspaper, 
galoshes and all. Then with a little shriek of welcome 
she pounces upon him and flings her arms about his 
neck) And was my poor Dicky Bird all tired out with 
a hard day? fMR. Enright, staggering feebly under the 
impetus of wifely affection, opens his lips to reply and 
then for the first time notices her get-up. His jaw 
drops. He stares at her helplessly, swallows once or 
twice, and passes a hand over his eyes) 

Mr. Enright (murmuring to himself). Could it be 
that glass of beer I had at luncheon, I -wonder. If it is, 
I'll sign the pledge to-morrow! 

Mrs. Enright (fluttering about him, helping him out 
of his coat, taking off his gloves from his nerveless 
hands). Dinner is all ready ; I know, dearest, how you 
hate to be kept waiting. I'll tell Nora to bring it right 
in! ^ [EXIT, D.L. 

Mr. Enright (pinching his cheek viciously). Ouch! 
Then I'm not dreaming even if she does look like the 
after-effects of a Welsh-rarebit. But, hang It, what's it 
all about any way? (RE-ENTER Mrs. Enright, d.l. 
They sit down at table; the Kitchen Mechanic brings 
the soup, is finable to keep her eyes off her mistress) 

Mrs. Enright (solicitously). How is the soup, dar- 
ling? Perhaps you'd like the pepper? Or the salt? 
Or the catsup ? (She passes the various objects to him, 
one after the other) But you don't seem hungry! 
(Tragically) Tell me, dearest — how is the soup? 

Mr. Enright (recklessly and nervously shaking every- 
thing she passes him into his plate). Oh fine, fine ! But 
I — hm, had a late lunch, you know. (His voice trails 
off as he catches sight of his tvife and his spoon clatters, 
to his plate. Mrs. Enright rings) 



Cupid's Column q 

ENTER Kitchen Mechanic, d.l. 

Mrs. Enright. Bring in the roast, Nora. (To Tier 
liushand) WouldnH you like a hassock under your poor 
tired feet? Is the sun shining in your poor tired eyes. 
(Slie -flutters about, pulling doiun tJie sJiade, arranging 
tlie footstool, and otlierivise waiting on Iter liushand, 
ivliose discomfiture increases to tlie verge of panic. Tlie 
Kitchen Mechanic regards tlie proceedings with dis- 
approval as sJie sets tlie roast on tlie table) 

Kitchen Mechanic (leaving). Sure 'tis hardly re- 
spectable for a married woman to carry on so! 

Mrs. Enright (tenderly). Oh, I do so hope the 
roast is done just the way you like it! Is it too rare? 
Or perhaps it's too well done? Tell me, dearest, liow 
do you find the roast? 

Mr. Enright (pusliing back Ms plate and rising pre- 
cipitously). 'Yes, yes, everything is fine only I'm not 
hungry for some reason. (They come down stage) I 
believe I '11 just take a little stroll and smoke a cigar 

Mrs. Enright (glancing surreptitiously at tlie clip- 
ping from the paper). M-m-m. "Flirt with him, wait 
on him, entertain him!" (She becomes a very arch) 
Naughty, naughty man, trying to run away from his 
little wifie ! (She flutters to the humidor on the mantel, 
selects a cigar, kisses the end of it coyly and sticks it in 
his mouth) You shall smoke in here, sir, and I will sing 
to you the way I used to. Don't you remember? 

Mr. Enright (checking a holloiv groan). Oh I re- 
member all right, but need you — that is, please don't put 
yourself out for me. 

Mrs. Enright (pouting). You're afraid I'm out of 
practice with my playing! 

Mr. Enright. No, I'm afraid I'm out of practice 
with my listening! 

Mrs. Enright. Naughty ! Naughty ! But I '11 forgive 
you, and just to prove how magnanimous I am I '11 mix 
you a cocktail! (EXITS, d.l. Mr. Enright collapses 
in a chair) 

Mr. Enright (vacantly). Cigars and cocktails! 



lo Cupid's Column 

Good Lord ! (FeverisJily Tie seizes tlie telephone) May- 
field 2825-M. . . . Hullo, Bob ! Say, Bob, this is Henry 
Enright. You're a married man, what would you think 
if your wife should try to entertain you evenings? 
Think she was crazy, you say ? That 's all I wanted to 
know. G'by! (He Jiangs up the 'phone. The paper 
on the table catches his eyes. He glances at it and 
throws it down in disgust) Home edition! Stale as 
yesterday's beer! (He takes his oivn paper from his 
pocket, glances at it, and suddenly starts up in excite- 
ment) Well, I'll be darned! Here's an article in 
Gladys Gusher's Cupid's Column that just fits my case 
— m-m-m — ''A Chat with Perplexed Husbands. Are 
there times when you do not understand your wife ? If 
she seems changed perhaps you too have changed. Try 
treating her as in the dear old courting days." (He 
reflects and gradually becomes acclimated to the notion) 
By the Great Jumping Jehosephat, I'll try it! I'm a 

bit rusty on the line of chatter, still 

ENTER Mrs. Enright, d. l., shaking the cocktail mixer 

gaily 

Mrs. Enright. There ! If you don 't say this is the 

nicest little cocktail you ever (She breaks off with 

a nervous start as she notes the dreadful leer with which 
her husband is regarding her) 

Mr. Enright (advancing on her ardently). And did 
my little Flossie- Wassie mix a coxie for her old Hun- 
nums-Bunch ? 

Mrs. Enright (retreating, in a faint voice). I — I 

Mr. Enright (ardently). Bess its 'ittle hearts! It 
was a sweetie-weetums, so it was! (He sips the cock- 
tail with an involuntary grimace, and when she is not 
noticing empties it into the palm behind Mm. Then, 
still ogling her in lover-like fashion, he draws her down 
to his knee upon the couch and inquires playfully) 
And what has my little pet been doing all this long 
lonesome day without her Dicky-Bird? 

Mrs. Enright (uneasily). Don't you think perhaps 
you'd better take that walk after all, Henry? I mustn't 



Cupid's Column 



II 



be selfish and keep you at home when you do need the 
exercise so badly! 

^^"^^^j 5^-L., Kitchen Mechanic. Slie begins to clear 
off table, casting glances of extreme disapproval at 
tfie btlUng and cooing pair 

^^:'^^^^™(9alla7itly stifling a yawn). And leave 
my Little Blue-Eyed Baby Girl all sole alonesome^ Tell 
me, pecious, 'oos 'ittle dirle is ziz 'ittle dirle? 
^ Kitchen Mechanic. My Gawd! (EXITS, d.l., sfar- 
ing over lier sJioulder as Mr. Enright pillows Ms head 
romanttcally against Mrs. Enright 's pompadour) 

Mr^s. Enright (desperately, striving to bring tJie con- 
versation back to everydayness). Henry, the butcher's 
bill came to-day and it's awfully large. We shall have 
to cut down next month. I think I shall have corned 
beet hash sometimes; it's really very good with an onion 

cut up 111 it 

Mr. Enright (stealing a longing glance at Ms paper, 
but returning manfully to tJie fray). Don't worry its 
pretty little head over nassy old bills! Tell me, does 
Tootsie Wootsie love her old Hunnums Bunch? 
ENTER Kitchen Mechanic, d.l., in time to catcJi the 

last ivords. She is hatted and coated and carries 

her suitcase. 
Kitchen Mechanic (with oppressive dignity) I 
begs your pardon, Ma'am, but I'm lavin'. 'Tis no place 
for a respectable gurrul wid such goings on ! Sure I 've 
wurruked for a good manny families but I niver saw a 
husband and wife makin' love before ! (She turns to go 
Mrs. Enright springs from her husband's knee burst- 
ing into tears) 

Mrs. Enright. Nora! You wouldn't leave me^ 
(She turns ivrathfully upon her husband) It's all your 
fault, Henry Enright! If you hadn't behaved like 
such a perfect idiot everything would have been all 
right! (She wrings her hands hysterically) Good- 
ness knows it's not such a serious matter to lose a hus- 
band as a housemaid at Pneumonia-on-the-Sound ! At 
least it's far easier to find another one! 



12 Cupid*s Column 

Mr. Enright (liuffihj). My fault! Well, I like that 
— put everything off on me, do! I'm to blame for the 
European War and the High Cost of Living and the 
hired girl 's leaving, I am ! And speaking of idiots look 
in that mirror over there if you want to see a real first- 
class A-No. 1 specimen. 

Mrs. Enright (sohhing). How can you talk so cru- 
elly to the only wife you've got in the world? If I'd 
known what a temper you 've got I 'd never have married 
you, never! 

Kitchen Mechanic (ivlio Jias been looking from one 
to tlie other witJi hrigJitening face, now breaks in ivitli 
an air of relief). Now that things are all so com- 
fortable and homelike again, Ma'am, I'm thinkin' maybe 
after all I'll stay awhile! (Goes out toward tJie kitchen 
and EXITS, d.l. Mr. and Mrs. Enright stare after her 
blankly, then sink limply into chairs. A pause. Then 
Mr. Enright reaches for his paper, unfolds it and set- 
tles back to read) 

Mrs. Enright (reaching for her darning basket). 
Well, is there any news, Henry? 

Mr. Enright (snorting). News! Humph, you can't 
believe a word you read in these darned newspapers ! 
It's all a pack of lies! 

Mrs. Enright (nodding). Yes, indeed! Why I 
don't believe the people who write it were ever even 
married! (Cattishly) That Gladys Gusher, for in- 
stance! I just know she's a regular old maid! (Pause. 
Mr. Enright does not reply. Mrs. Enright is sniffed) 
Henry ! I don 't believe you heard a word I was saying 
to you! 

Mr. Enright (absently). Uh-huh. 

Mrs. Enright (with satisfaction). Spoken like my 
own husband ! 



CURTAIN 



FARCES 



TANGLES 

Farce in One Act. Four Males, Tioo Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymplb 
One interior scene. Bill Tracy accepts Mrs. Janeway's Invitation to 
flinner, intended for bis cousin, Phil. Tracy, who is Jack Janeway's 
lehum. Elsie, her maid, advertised for a husband under the soubriquet 
©f " Bright Eyes." Jenkins, Bill's valet, answers it as X. Y. Z. The 
mistakes in identity get them into a tangle of surprises, finally un- 
raveled by Jack, who arrives opportunely. The " situations " are 
tremendously funny and keep the audience in roars of laughter, 
plays forty-five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

A NIGHT IN TAPPAN 

Farce in One Act. Tivo Males, Three Females 
By O. B. Dubois 
One interior scene. The action commences at 10 : 45 p. m., on th* 
arrival of Mr. and Mrs. John Betts, quite unexpectedly, at the homfe 
of Mr. Augustus Betts, while Mrs. Augustus Betts is awaiting her 
husband's return from the city. The complications caused by a saucy, 
blundering, Irish servant, Mr. Augustus being entirely ignorant of 
the new arrivals, are screamingly bewildering. Plays about thirty 
minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

KISSING THE WE-ONO GIRL 

Farce in One Act. One Male, Two Females 
By W. C. Paekeb 
No scenery needed. It is the case of a " cheeky " book-agent, two 
Bisters who look much alike, all sorts of funny mistakes, and any 
number of ridiculous situations, that will keep the audience in a con- 
tinuous roar of laughter. The piece can be played either " straight '* 
or with specialties. Plays about thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

THE NEW BEPORTEB. 

Farce in One Act. Six Males, Two Females 
By Feanklin Johnston 
One interior scene. Hobbs, the proprietor of a newspaper, ia 
expecting a new reporter, whom he has engaged on trial. Nancy, 
Hobbs' daughter, persuades her lover, Jack, who is unknown to her 
father, to personify the new reporter, and gets to work. The blundera 
he makes, and the arrival of Tupper, the real reporter, result in a 
general flare-up, until explanations are made, and Tupper is per- 
suaded by Nancy to retire in favor of Jack. Plays forty-five minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

MA'S NEW BOAKDEBS 

Farce in One Act. Four Males, Four Females 
Br W. C. Parker 
No scenery required. Mrs. Holdtight leaves her boarding-house i«. 
her daughter's charge. Prof. Alto-Gether calls a rehearsal of Vat( 
village choir, but gives them the wrong address. The choir turns w 
at Mrs. H.'s, and are mistaken for new boarders. Then follows » 
■uproarious series of incidents that end in the Professor's round-uj^ 
Can be played " straight " or with specialties. Excellent chance fot 
Single or double quartette. Plays thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



FARCES 

[. II ^M»*i— —»—■»» 

SURPRISES 

Farce in One Act. Two Males^ Three Females 
By C. Leona Daleymple 
One Interior scene. On the anniversary of Ruth's wedding day her 
mother arrives, unannounced, as a surprise for her. Her husband 
plans to surprise her with the present of an Angora cat. The maid- 
servant conceals the mother in an adjoining room ; the butler con- 
ceals the cat in the same room, and locks them both in. The result 
in both cases is unexpectedly surprising, and an imminent catastrophe 
is finally and most surprisingly averted. Plays thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



A BACHELOR'S BABY 

Farce in One Act. Tico Males, Two Females 

By Katharine Kavanaugh 

One interior scene. An exceedingly comical sketch, depicting 

the woes of a struggling artist, on whose hands a baby is left while 

he is at the station awaiting his fiancee. Full of action from start 

to finish. Sure to be a success. Piays about thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

RELATIONS 

Farce in One Act. Three Males, One Female 
By George M. Rosener 
One interior scene. An inimitable sketch, full of rapid repartee 
and rollicking " Situations." Billie is a whole team in himself ; his 
uncle and brother-in-law force the fun, but Billie comes out on top. 
The action is unflagging and irresistibly funny. Plays about twenty 
minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



TOO MANY HUSBANDS 

Farce in Two Acts. Eight Males, Four Females 
By Anthony E. Wills 
One interior scene. Arthur Maitland. living with Harry and 
Milly Brown, draws a regular allowance from his uncle, Col. Crane, 
upon the plea of being married. The colonel requests a picture of 
the supposed wife, and Arthur, not having any ready at hand, for- 
wards that of Milly, without her knowledge. He thereupon suddenly 
announces an immediate visit expressly to make the acquaintance of 
Milly. After much persuasion Milly undertakes to assume for the 
few hours the character of Arthur's wife. The colonel arrives, and 
thereupon follows a series of situations, complications and climaxes, 
which make this farce one of the most laughable. All the charac- 
ters are good and strongly contrasted. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A WHITE SHAWL 

Farce in Two Acts. Three Males, Three Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymple 
One interior scene. Costumes modern. A cleverly arranged " Com- 
edy of Errors," in which an elderly doctor's attemnt at wooing a 
young girl already engaged — an old maid's efforts to secure a mate 
— and the strategy of two young men to defeat the doctor's aims all 
result In getting things tangled up in the most ludicrous manner. 
Woman's wit and a white shawl set matters right at last". Plays one 
and a half hours. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



FARCES 



A RUNAWAY COUPLE 

Faree in Two Acts. Four Males, Four Females 
By W. a. Tbemaynb 
One interior scene. A married man of nervous temperament, having 
assumed temporary charge of an eloping young lady wliile the hus- 
band-to-be Is absent procuring the marriage license, is himself accused 
ef having run away with her. Circumstantial evidence is very 
strongly against him, but the timely arrival of the absent lover 
relieves the situation and leads to an unusually effective climax. 
Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

*i ■-. ■ 

THE DELEGATES FKOM DENVEB 

Farce in Txco Acts. Three Males, Ten Females 
By Samuel N. Clabk 
Two interior scenes. Margaret is a candidate for president of the 
Eta PI Sorority which meets at Boston. John has proposed to hei*, 
but she defers her answer as she purposes, if elected, to devote her 
whole time to the Sorority. Two delegates from Denver decline to 
attend ; John and Edward plan to represent them and vote against 
Margaret, and also to prevent her from going to Boston. Their plan 
partially succeeds, but it ends in discovery, explanations, and Mar» 
garet's engagement to John, including some other pleasant denoue- 
ments. The action is absurdly farcical and very much alive from 
start to finish. Plays forty-five minutes. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

A ROGUE'S LUCK 

Farce in Three Acts. Five Males, Three Females 
By Levin C. Tees 
One interior, one exterior scene, Harry Haversham, a rascally 
fugitive from justice, is stopping at a mountain summer resort under 
the name of Felix Hopper. By colossal nerve and ready wit he gains 
the confidence of everybody, using another Harry Haversham as his 
foil, and plans a series of rapidly occurring perplexities and as- 
tounding " situations " which contribute at last to his identification 
and finish as a rogue of the first water. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

tmm i ™ >i»i ■ .1.-- ■■- — - I.-.- ■ I ■ ■ ■!■ ■ II — ■■■■■.■» ■■! ■ I ^^M— —w— . 

JOHN BRAG 

Farce in Four Acts. Eight Males, Five Females 
By Gokdon V. May 

One interior, one exterior scene. Brag, a rather sporty old fellow, 
to save himself from financial ruin pretends to be dead, and this 
leads to all kinds of comic complications. The characters are all 
good and there is nothing slow in the piece. A certain success. 
Plays two and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

Mr. SMALLWORTH'S MISTAKE ; or, NOAH'S ARK, Jr. 

Farce in One Act. Four Males^ Three Females 
By Samuel Embby 

One Interior scene, modern costumes. A genuinely funny piece, 
•ehlch satirizes the maudlin love for animals that is displayed by 
«ome owners of pets. A profane parrot and a young curate just out 
of the seminary, sustain a series of complications that culminate In 
a half-hitched wedding. No love-making. Plays forty-five mimite». 

PRICE 15 CENTS 



FARCES 



A DOCTOR BY COURTESY ; OR, A JOLLY MIX UP 

Farce in Three Acts. Six Males, Five Females 
By Ullie Akerstkom 
Two interior scenes. Costumes modern. Sly's father-in-law adopts 
methods to force Siy into practice, with disaster to Sly throughout. 
Ely's wife is led by Florette to test Sly's fidelity by calling him in 
professionally. Sly allows Freddie to personate him, leading to com- 
plications in which every one gets mixed up. Flirtations of Sly before 
marriage also add to his perplexities, all of which are finally un- 
ravelled. The *' situations " which follow each other in rapid suc- 
cession make this farce irresistibly comic. Plays two hours. 

PRICE 25 CENTS 

«— ^^*—— ■^^^■^'■^■" — ^»^ 

A PUZZLED DETECTIVE 

Farce in Three Acts. Five Males, Three Females 

By L. E. W. Snow 

Three Interior scenes. A letter inclosing money, abstracted by a 
darkey who cannot read, causes Ned Walton, the detective, to get his 
client's affairs all muddled up, resulting in absurd situations, es- 
pecially when the darkey is supposed to be Walton in disguise. A 
needy doctor fisds his daughter, a brother discovers his sister, and 
two girl chums become sisters-in-law to their great satisfaction, and 
the muddle is cleared up. Plays one hour. 

PPvICE 15 CENTS 

" THE HOOSIER SCHOOL 

Farce in One Act, Five Males, Five Females 
By Wm. and Josephine Giles 
One interior scene. A realistic picture of a district school in a 
small Western village. The rough and ready teacher and his tricky 
scholars keep the audience in a roar. The teacher is finally squelched 
by the irate mother of one of his pupils. The piece is cleverly worked 
out and full of funny incidents. Plays thirty minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

MRS. FORRESTER'S CRUSADE 

Farce in One Act. One MalCj Tico Females 
By C. Leona Dalrymple 

One Interior scene. Helen has written to Professor Butler, inviting 
him to call to obtain her parents' consent to their engagement. Mrs. 
Forrester, her mother, also writes inviting him, and requests his co- 
operation in hor endeavor to cure Helen of her habit of using slans? 
expressions. This letter was mislaid and not sent. He calls, and 
during the interview Mrs. Forrester crowds into her conversation all 
the atrocities of slang possible, to Helen's consternation and Butler's 
disgust. Finally, the missing letter accidentally turns up. Mrs. 
Forrester's attempts at slang are screamingly fiinny. Plays thirty 
minutes. 

PRICE 15 CENTS 

A LEGAL PUZZLE 

Farce Comedy in Three Acts. Seven Males, Five Females 
By W. a. Tremaynb 
Three interior scenes. Costumes modern. This play can be highly 
recommended, the scenes are easy, the dialogue brisk and snappy, 
•net, the action rapid. The parts are all good, being evenly divide^ 
Ut principals appearing in each act. Plays two and a half hours. 

PRICE 25 CENT* 



MILITARY PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

M. 

BY THE ENEMY'S HAND. 4 Acts; 2 hours 10 

EDWAllDS, THE SPY. 5 Acts; 2}4 hours 10 

PRISONEll OP ANDERSON VILLE. 4 Acts; 2J4 hours.. 10 

CAPTAIN DICK. 3 Acts; 1^ hours 9 

ISABEL, THE PEARL OF CUBA. 4 Acts; 2 hours 9 

LITTLE SAVAGE. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 4 

BY FORCE OF IMPULSE. (15 cents.) 5 Acts; 21^ hours 9 
BETWEEN TWO FIRES. (15 cents.) 3 Acts; 2 hours 8 



RURAL PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

MAN FROM MAINE. 5 Acts; 2*4 hours 9 

AMONG THE BERKSHIRES. 3 Acts; 214 hours 8 

OAK FARM. 3 Acts; 21^ hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 

GREAT WINTERSON MINE. 3Acts;2hours 6 

SQUIRE THOMPKINS' DAUGHTER. 5 Acts; 2J^ hours 5 

WHEN A MAN'S SINGLE. 3Act8;2hours 4 

FROM PUNKIN RIDGE. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1 hour... 6 

LETTER FROM HOME. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 25 minutes 1 



ENTERTAINMENTS 

25 CENTS EACH 

AUNT DINAH'S QUILTING PARTY. 1 Scene 5 11 

BACHELOR MAIDS' REUNION. 1 Scene 2 30 

IN THE FERRY HOUSE. 1 Scene; li^ hours 19 15 

JAPANESE AVEDDING. 1 Scene; 1 hour 3 10 

MATRIMONIAL EXCHANGE. 2 Acts; 2 hours 6 9 

OLD PLANTATION NIGHT. 1 Scene; I14 hours 4 4 

YE VILLAGE SKEWL OF LONG AGO. 1 Scene. 13 12 

FAMTLL^R FACES OF A FUNNY FAMILY 8 11 

JOLLY BACHELORS. Motion Song or Recitation... 11 

CHRISTMAS MEDLEY. 30 minutes 15 14 

EASTER TIDINGS. 20 minutes 8 

BUNCH OF ROSES. (15 cents.) 1 Act; 1}^ hours 1 13 

OVER THE GARDEN ^VALL. (15 cents) 11 8 



FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATION 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK & FITZGERALD, 18 Vesey Street, N. Y. 



BwillllllJllll ^°^°'^^ss 
016 102 580 A 



COMEDIES AND DRAMAS 

25 CENTS EACH 

K. v. 

BREAKING HIS BONDS. 4Act6;2honr8 ft 5 

BUTTERNUT'S BlllDE. 3 Acts; 2}^ hours 11 6 

COLLEGE CHUMS. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stag« Setting 9 3 

COUNT OF NO ACCOUNT. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 9 4 

DEACON. 5 Acts; 2i^hom-8... 8 6 

DELEGATES EROM DEN'VER. 2 Acts; 45 luinuteB S 10 

DOCTOR Br COURTESY. 3Act8;2hour8 8 6 

EASTSIDE RS, The. 8 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 8 4 

ESCAPED FROM THE LAW. 5 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

GIRL FROM PORTO RICO. 3 Acts; 2i^ hours 6 S 

GYPSY QUEEN. 4 Acts; 2)^ hours 6 t 

IN THE ABSENCE OF SUSAN. 3 Acts; IJ^ hours 4 6 

JAILBIRD. 5 Acts; 23^ hours 6 8 

JOSIAH'S COURTSHIP. 4 Acts; 2 hours 7 4 

MY LADY DARRELL. 4 Acts; 2^ hours 8 6 

MY UNCLE FROM INDIA. 4 Acts; 2}^ hours 13 4 

NEXT DOOR. 3 Acts; 2 hours 5 4 

PHYLLIS'S INHERITANCE. 3 Acts; 2 liours 6 9 

REGULAR FLIRT. 3 Acts; 2 hours 4 4 

ROGUE'S LUCK. 3Acte;2hours 5 3 

SQUIRE'S STRATAGEM. 5 Acts; 2}^ hours 6 4 

STEEL KING. 4 Acts; 2)4 hours 5 3 

WHAT'S NEXT ? 3 Acts; 2}4 hours 7 4 

WHITE LIE. 4Act8; 2}^ hours 4 3 

WESTERN PLAYS 

25 CENTS EACH 

ROCKY FORD. 4Acts;2hours 8 3 

GOLDEN GULCH. 3 Acts; 214 hours 11 3 

RED ROSETTE. 3 Acts; 2 hours 6 3 

MISS MOSHER OF COLORADO. 4 Acts; 2^ hours ... 5 3 

STUBBORN MOTOR CAR. 3 Acts; 2 hours; 1 Stage Setting 7 4 

CRAWFORD'S CLAIM. (15 cents.) 3 Actg; 214 hours. 9 3 

FITZGERALD PUBLISHING CORPORATTON 

SUCCESSOR TO 
DICK 8i FITZGERALD, 18 Veaey Street, N.Y. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




016 102 580 



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